When Someone You Love Has a Problem With Alcohol or Drugs: Supporting Yourself and Your Family
When someone you love is struggling with alcohol or drug use, it rarely affects only that person. Partners, parents, siblings and other family members can also find themselves living with worry, uncertainty, conflict and emotional exhaustion. Family drug and alcohol support can help families understand what is happening, establish healthier boundaries and find practical ways of moving forward.
You may spend a great deal of time wondering whether they are safe, questioning whether you should step in, worrying about saying the wrong thing or trying to prevent the next crisis.
You may also find yourself asking:
Am I helping them or making things easier for them to continue?
Should I give them another chance?
How do I set boundaries without pushing them away?
What if they refuse to get help?
How much responsibility should I take for what is happening?
There are no simple answers to these questions. Every person and every family is different. However, understanding how alcohol and drug problems can affect the whole family can be an important first step towards finding a healthier way forward.
When Alcohol or Drug Use Begins Affecting the Whole Family
Problematic substance use doesn’t always begin with an obvious crisis.
Changes can happen gradually.
Family members may begin noticing changes in behaviour, mood, relationships, work, study, finances or responsibilities. There may be increasing secrecy, arguments or broken promises.
Over time, family life can start revolving around the person who is struggling.
You might find yourself:
- Constantly checking whether they are okay
- Giving them money or helping with financial problems
- Making excuses for their behaviour
- Trying to prevent other family members from becoming upset
- Taking over responsibilities they are no longer managing
- Regularly dealing with crises
- Having the same arguments repeatedly
- Feeling unable to trust what you’re being told
- Worrying about where they are or who they are with
- Feeling responsible for getting them to change
Without necessarily intending to, the entire family can begin adapting around one person’s substance use.
The Emotional Impact on Families
Supporting someone experiencing problems with alcohol or drugs can bring up many different emotions.
You may feel angry one day and frightened the next.
You may feel compassion for what the person is going through while also feeling deeply hurt by their behaviour.
Parents may question whether they have done something wrong. Partners may feel betrayed or emotionally exhausted. Siblings may become frustrated by the amount of attention being directed towards one family member.
There can also be embarrassment, sadness, resentment, guilt and helplessness.
Sometimes family members become so focused on helping the person they love that they stop recognising the impact the situation is having on their own wellbeing.
This is important.
Caring about someone does not mean that your own emotional health should become unimportant.
Helping Versus Rescuing
One of the most difficult questions families face is:
“Am I helping or am I rescuing?”
There is an important difference.
Helping someone may involve listening, encouraging them to seek professional support, helping them understand their options or supporting positive steps they are taking.
Rescuing can sometimes mean repeatedly protecting someone from the consequences of their behaviour.
For example, a family member might continually pay debts, provide money, cover up problems, make excuses to employers or repeatedly solve crises caused by substance use.
These actions usually come from love, fear and a desire to protect the person.
But sometimes they can also leave family members exhausted while very little changes.
It can be helpful to ask yourself:
“Is what I’m doing helping this person move towards positive change, or am I continually taking responsibility for something that belongs to them?”
That can be an uncomfortable question, but an important one.
Setting Boundaries With Someone You Love
Families sometimes worry that setting boundaries means being harsh or abandoning someone.
It doesn’t have to.
A boundary is about being clear about what you are and are not willing or able to do.
For example:
“I love you and I’m willing to help you find support, but I’m not going to give you money.”
Or:
“I want you in my life, but I won’t stay in a conversation when I’m being yelled at or threatened.”
A boundary isn’t simply telling another person what they must do. It also involves deciding how you will respond if a situation continues.
Consistency can be difficult, particularly when you are worried about someone you love.
This is one reason families can benefit from support themselves.
What If They Don’t Think They Have a Problem?
This can be one of the most frustrating situations for families.
You may clearly see the impact alcohol or drugs are having while the person involved believes there is no problem or insists they have everything under control.
Repeated arguments about whether they “have a problem” may not lead anywhere.
You cannot force another person to develop insight or become ready for change.
What you can do is talk about the behaviours you have observed and how those behaviours are affecting you and the family.
For example:
Instead of:
“You’re an addict and you need help.”
you might say:
“I’m worried because I’ve noticed you’re missing work, borrowing money and we’re arguing much more than we used to. I’m concerned about what is happening.”
The second approach focuses on observable behaviour and its impact rather than using a label.
You Can Get Support Even If They Won’t
This is something I think families particularly need to hear:
You do not have to wait for the person using alcohol or drugs to agree to get help before seeking support yourself.
A parent can seek counselling.
A partner can seek counselling.
Other family members can seek support.
Sometimes the most helpful first step is learning how to respond differently to the situation, establish clearer boundaries and look after your own emotional wellbeing.
Individual counselling can provide a confidential space to talk openly about anger, fear, guilt, exhaustion or uncertainty without having to protect other family members from how you are feeling.
Seeking support for yourself does not mean you are giving up on the person you love.
It means recognising that you are affected too.
How Family Drug and Alcohol Support Can Help With Conflict
Substance use can significantly change the way family members communicate with each other.
Conversations may become arguments.
Trust can become damaged.
Family members may disagree about how the situation should be handled.
One parent may want stronger boundaries while another wants to provide another chance. A partner may feel they have reached their limit while other family members believe they should be more understanding.
These differences can create conflict even between family members who ultimately want the same thing.
Family counselling can provide a supportive environment where family members can talk about what has been happening, understand different perspectives and work towards clearer communication and healthier boundaries.
The aim isn’t to blame one person for everything that is happening.
It is to help the family understand the patterns that have developed and consider what each person can realistically change.
When Your Teenager or Young Adult Is Using Alcohol or Drugs
Discovering that your teenager or young adult is using drugs or experiencing problems with alcohol can be frightening for parents.
The instinct may be to immediately take control.
But conversations driven entirely by fear can quickly become confrontation, particularly when a young person already feels judged or misunderstood.
Young people may be more willing to engage when they feel they can speak openly without immediately being lectured, labelled or shamed.
This doesn’t mean ignoring risky behaviour.
It means trying to create an environment where honest conversations are possible while maintaining appropriate boundaries.
At Waverley Counselling, our Youth Mentoring and AOD Support works with young people aged 15–25 in a supportive and non-judgmental environment. Our AOD workers are qualified and bring lived experience, which can help young people feel that they are speaking with someone who genuinely understands some of the challenges involved.
Support can focus on substance use, decision-making, goals, relationships, family difficulties and finding more positive pathways forward.
When Someone Is Ready to Make a Change
Change doesn’t always happen in a straight line.
A person may recognise there is a problem but still feel uncertain about stopping or reducing their substance use. They may make progress and then struggle again.
Rather than expecting one conversation to change everything, it can be more useful to focus on achievable steps.
This might include understanding triggers, identifying situations associated with substance use, developing alternative coping strategies, strengthening supportive relationships and setting realistic goals.
For someone who is ready to address their alcohol or drug use, AOD support can provide a non-judgmental space to talk honestly about what is happening and what they would like to change.
Rebuilding Trust Takes Time
Substance use can sometimes result in secrecy, dishonesty, broken promises or behaviour that significantly damages relationships.
Even when someone begins making positive changes, family members may not immediately feel able to trust them again.
That’s understandable.
Trust usually isn’t rebuilt through promises alone.
It develops gradually through consistent behaviour over time.
The person making changes may need to understand that family members can be supportive while still feeling cautious.
Likewise, families may need time to adjust to changes after spending months or years expecting another crisis.
Recovery can involve rebuilding relationships as well as addressing substance use.
Looking After Yourself Is Not Giving Up
When someone you love is struggling, it is very easy for their life to become the centre of yours.
Your mood may depend on whether they are doing well.
Your plans may change according to their latest crisis.
You may constantly monitor your phone or worry about what will happen next.
Eventually, this can become emotionally exhausting.
Looking after yourself does not mean that you care less.
It means recognising the difference between supporting someone and carrying responsibility for their life.
You can love someone deeply while still having boundaries.
You can offer support without solving every problem.
And you can want someone to recover while accepting that you cannot make their choices for them.
Finding the Right Family Drug and Alcohol Support
There isn’t one type of support that suits every family.
Sometimes the person experiencing difficulties with alcohol or drugs is ready for help.
Sometimes they aren’t.
Sometimes the immediate concern is the conflict occurring throughout the family.
And sometimes an individual family member simply needs somewhere confidential to talk about how difficult the situation has become.
At Waverley Counselling, support can be tailored to what is actually happening within your family.
This may include:
- Individual counselling for partners, parents or family members who need support themselves
- Family counselling when substance use is contributing to conflict, communication difficulties or damaged relationships
- Alcohol and Other Drug (AOD) support for someone who wants help addressing their substance use
- Youth Mentoring and AOD Support for young people aged 15–25, including support for families navigating these difficulties
You don’t necessarily have to wait until everything reaches crisis point before asking for help.
Sometimes the first positive change within a family begins when one person decides to approach the situation differently.
Additional support: If you or someone you care about needs further alcohol and drug information, counselling or referral to treatment services in Victoria, DirectLine provides free and confidential support 24 hours a day, 7 days a week
Frequently Asked Questions
How do I help a family member with a drug or alcohol problem?
Try to approach conversations from a place of concern rather than accusation. Talk about specific behaviours you have noticed, encourage professional support and consider what boundaries you need to maintain. Remember that supporting someone does not mean taking responsibility for every consequence of their behaviour.
What if my family member refuses help?
You cannot force someone to be ready for change. You can continue expressing your concerns, maintain appropriate boundaries and seek professional support for yourself or other members of the family. You do not need to wait for them to participate before getting help.
How do I know if I’m helping or enabling?
This isn’t always straightforward. It can be useful to consider whether your actions are supporting positive change or repeatedly protecting the person from consequences while leaving you responsible for solving the same problems.
Should I give money to a family member who has a drug problem?
Every situation is different, but if you are concerned that money may contribute to substance use, you are allowed to set financial boundaries. A counsellor or AOD worker can help you consider boundaries appropriate to your circumstances.
Can family counselling help when someone has problems with alcohol or drugs?
Family counselling can help family members communicate more effectively, understand patterns that have developed, work through conflict and establish clearer boundaries. The person using substances does not necessarily need to be the only person receiving support.
Can I get counselling if my partner or child won’t attend?
Yes. Individual counselling can provide support for your own emotional wellbeing and help you consider how you want to respond to the situation, even when another family member is unwilling to attend counselling.