John Gottman, a renowned psychologist, introduced the concept of the “Four Horsemen of
the Apocalypse” in the context of relationships. These four behaviours, which he identified
through extensive research, are key predictors of relationship breakdowns. Just as the four
horsemen in the biblical Book of Revelation symbolise the end of times, Gottman’s Four
Horsemen represent the end of a relationship if not addressed. The four behaviours are
Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling. Understanding these behaviours and
their impact on relationships can help couples recognise and correct destructive patterns.
- Criticism
Criticism involves attacking a partner’s character or personality rather than addressing a
specific behavior. It often begins with phrases like “You always” or “You never” and tends to
blame the partner for the problem, leading to feelings of resentment. While complaints focus
on specific issues, criticism is more global and personal. For example, instead of saying, “I’m
upset that you didn’t take out the trash,” a criticism would be, “You never help around the
house; you’re so lazy.” This behavior can create a negative cycle where the criticized partner
feels attacked and may become defensive, leading to further conflict. - Contempt
Contempt is the most damaging of the Four Horsemen and involves treating a partner with
disrespect, ridicule, or sarcasm. It often manifests through mocking, eye-rolling, name-
calling, or hostile humour. Contempt conveys a sense of superiority and disdain, which erodes
the bond between partners. For example, one partner might say, “Oh, you forgot to pay the
bills again? What a surprise!” while rolling their eyes. This behaviour is particularly harmful
because it attacks the partner’s sense of self, leading to feelings of worthlessness and hurt.
Gottman found that contempt is the strongest predictor of relationship failure and is often
rooted in long-standing negative thoughts about the partner. - Defensiveness
Defensiveness is a natural response to criticism, but it can escalate conflicts rather than
resolve them. When a person becomes defensive, they refuse to take responsibility for their
part in the conflict and instead shift the blame back onto their partner. This behavior can take
the form of making excuses, cross-complaining, or playing the victim. For instance, if one
partner says, “You didn’t call me when you were going to be late,” a defensive response
might be, “Well, you didn’t remind me, so it’s your fault too.” Defensiveness tends to
escalate conflicts because it prevents open communication and understanding, leading to a
lack of resolution. - Stonewalling
Stonewalling occurs when one partner withdraws from the interaction, shutting down and
refusing to respond. It often happens when a person feels overwhelmed or flooded with
emotion during a conflict. This behavior can be seen as a way to avoid confrontation, but it
can also be perceived as indifference or disapproval by the other partner. Over time,
stonewalling can create a sense of emotional distance and disconnect in the relationship. For
example, during an argument, one partner might stop speaking, avoid eye contact, or
physically leave the room. This behavior can be particularly frustrating for the other partner,
as it prevents any meaningful resolution of the conflict.
Gottman’s Four Horsemen—Criticism, Contempt, Defensiveness, and Stonewalling—are
powerful predictors of relationship deterioration. However, understanding these behaviours is
the first step toward addressing and mitigating their impact. Couples can work on replacing
criticism with constructive complaints, combating contempt with appreciation and respect,
taking responsibility to counteract defensiveness, and practising self-soothing to prevent
stonewalling. By recognising and addressing these destructive patterns, couples can
strengthen their relationships and build a healthier, more resilient partnership.