Couples often ask me in sessions, “How can we stop fighting?”. The truth is – you can’t. Arguing is a natural and normal part of any relationship. The trick is to learn how to argue/fight better and more respectfully. Although it may sound very simple, changing one word at the start of a sentence can make all the difference!
Using “I” versus “You” in an argument can significantly impact how the discussion unfolds. Here’s how each approach affects communication:
“You” Statements (Blaming and Accusatory)
- Often sound like accusations or blame (e.g., “You never listen to me!”).
- Can make the other person defensive, escalating the conflict.
- Focus on the other person’s actions rather than your feelings.
“I” Statements (Expressing Feelings and Taking Responsibility)
- Help express emotions without blaming (e.g., “I feel unheard when I try to talk to you.”).
- Encourage open communication and make the other person more receptive.
- Take responsibility for feelings instead of making accusations.
Example Comparison
🚫 “You never help around the house!”
✅ “I feel overwhelmed when I have to do all the housework alone.”
🚫 “You don’t care about my opinion!”
✅ “I feel unimportant when my opinions are dismissed.”
Using “I” statements helps keep the argument constructive rather than confrontational. By both partners implementing this small change, you are likely to see significant changes to the way you argue and ultimately resolve conflict.
Best wishes,
Leanne